Saturday, April 2, 2011

Heavens anesthesia

I felt it down low, almost in a place far below my soul. That slow brewing emotion that I keep hidden almost always, not because I am ashamed, or fearful of feeling the gnawing, but because life must go on, children eat and play, friends expect, strangers presume, and weeping just isn't living. Not always, only in quiet alone moments when vanilla scent brings up flashes of remembrance of his Pediasure diet, or the high squeal of a far away drill on wood conjures images of his uncontrollable giggles, or just a heaviness of soul longing weighs on my chest and I escape to an alone place...my car, the shower, the basement, anywhere to feel, and wish, and regret, and weep, because a mothers heart misses a sons sound and presence. But this time, this time at bible study, with no one even suspecting the battle I was fighting in that back row booth, I could not stab it dead, freeze it quiet, it was brewing, slowly coming to the surface. I could almost hear it's groan as it passed the diaphragm gate, and entered my throat. I warred with the burning, defying it to surface, begging it to wait until we were alone, and the flood gates opened, and my sitting was now walking, then running, to the safety of the restroom, and then the tears were pouring, and the sound was escaping and I wept, and won only the battle to not scream that guttural death moan my body hoped to let out. My control was defeated, the weeping won, and I too, as the release was cathartic and cleansing, and mascara trails marked the way to peace. 


Weeping is heaven's anesthesia.

I know he speaks theology with Spurgeon now before audiences of angels, and dances with David and grandma Dee before the throne. He and John Calvin laugh together at the audacity of earthlings claiming to understand the intricacies of predestination and foreknowledge. The 12 year old earth suit he wore here no longer restrains his ability to think or move or see. He is perfect. He is not present in that filthy grave, with the sweet soft body that contained him once, and It is not for him that I weep. It is so much more than grief that fuels that soul groan, so much more than pain or sorrow, although those too are very present. It is the knowing that God's plan was best, that He is sufficient, that His ways are not my ways, and being so very grateful. It is in the making and receiving of tender memories that my savior so lovingly weaved in and around my boy's life, that grow me to Him, grafted to Him more purely, all because of the gift of one small broken male child with soft warm hands and deep brown eyes. It is because this is not my home, this beautiful place full of flowering dogwoods and azure blue skies, this is not it, and someday I will be with him, and.......with Him. And there, there will be no more pain, and no more tears.

No more tears? I ask Him in disbelief, but I NEED to weep. I like to cry, sometimes it helps Lord, No more tears? And in His most gentle of voices, calming and assuring He reminds me that no more tears, holds firm hands with no more pain. No more feeling inadequate, no more voices of you're not good enough, thin enough, smart enough, anything enough. No more striving for perfection with your home, your meals, your clothing, your children. No more fear, fear of the future, of loosing someone else, of being alone. No more being overwhelmed, no more guilt, no more hurt, no more regret, no more harsh words, no more abuse, no more hurt feelings, no more anger, no more unmet expectations, no more loss, no more sorrow. 

No more tears, He will wipe them all away. 
We won't NEED them any more.


He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
Rev. 21:4




Proverbs 31 ministries seeks to connect women, and bring them closer to the heart of the sovereign God of the Universe who will one day wipe every tear. A scholarship is being offered to one brave sweet soul, who dares to peek through the veil of fear, and tip her pinkie toe into the iciest of rivers, in hopes of a cleansing bath in the warm pool of She Speaks acceptance. You could be that brave soul.


She Speaks Conference


8 comments:

thehomespunheart said...

Oh, Amy. You've taken my breath away. Your heart is so beautiful and thank you for sharing it so deeply. I hope you win the She Speaks scholarship! :)
Love you, Monica

Danielle said...

Beautifully written Amy. I have not known loss as you have, but the way you have described it... I can almost feel the emotions rising.

With tears in my eyes, Danielle

PS I hope you win:0) I think you have a lot to share.

Katie said...

What a beautiful post! You made me cry. :)

It amazes me about how you seem to capture exactly how I have felt at time when I am in "the depths of despair" (as Anne of Green Gables would put it), but at the same time, share so much of yourself.

You have a beautiful soul. I look forward to getting to know you better!

Melissa said...

That was beautiful! I can't wait to be whole...to be perfect. I can't wait to see my mom and rejoice in Him together.

Tears do me good, too. I feel them swell, and I run for cover. Just a few minutes alone, to release the surge of my grief. Then HE wipes every tear...

Mariah said...

I Love You Sweet Friend!!! Hugging you and crying with you across the miles...

char said...

Love you A.

Anonymous said...

Dear Amy,
So many thoughts come to my mind. I will just write that i love you and will love bein with Jesus forever with you! He is faithful. You have written well.
<3 t

Jae said...

Oh what beautiful way you write the way you think and feel! Blessings Thank you for sharing a part of your soul!