GOOD JOB !!!

Yesterday Kartwright, my very handsome 15 year old, played in a golf tournament. Mr. Anthony was expecting a report, so I thought I would accommodate on this blog. Kartwright says he played the worst he has ever played. I will spare him the embarrassment of sharing his less then perfect score, but I will say this. I was so proud of him. We were an hour late because I was lost, and not one cross word was spoken. Because we were late, he didn't get to warm up. The temperatures were soaring here in Charleston, and they make the kids walk the course. His feet and hands were blistered, he was very sun burned, and he played with two very talented kids, one of which was a potty mouth, and gave him grief about being home schooled. He lost his score card twice, and had to go back to find it, and he played horribly. And although he was tired, hot, hungry, thirsty, blistered and humiliated, the good news is, he still had a terrific attitude. He was a winner in my book, and was an asset to God's kingdom. Congratulations my son, good job!!

THROUGH THE FENCE

We drove down to Georgia last Wednesday to see Dakota's first game in his summer league. We just couldn't stand to miss it! He just loves being part of a team, and was surely in his element. The girls don't especially enjoy watching baseball, but they do miss their brother. There was no "acting to cool" on Dakota's part when ElizaJane went up to the fence to greet him. He shared his sunflower seeds with her, and talked for a long time through the chain link fence.

This picture made me think, how we so often talk through the fence with those we love. Not in reality of course, unless you really love your next door neighbor, but figuratively. Forced through the fence to see an obscured view, and met with an inability to really connect. The sounds and distractions of those around us block out the voices of the ones we wish to hear, and the fear that we might be rejected prevents us from walking into the dug out so to speak. I find myself in that boat with many that I care about.

The deaths that my family has recently faced first my husband's brother Timothy in February, and then just eight weeks ago the death of our sweet Crockett, have put me in the 'what if I never see him/her again' mode. Life is so fragile, and death comes so quickly, yet we often take it for granted. Not to belabor the fence analogy, but sometimes it's heights seem simply insurmountable when it is your own or someone Else's pride that gets between really sharing. I wonder sometimes, if IT doesn't need to be communicated with words, but if sometimes, when I really feel IT, when I long to say IT, when I desire IT is understood, whatever the IT might be, has IT maybe already been said?.....just thinkin.

How do you cope??

Sunday a week ago my family and I went to the neighborhood pool. It was a beautiful day, and we were having a great time, just relaxing and laughing, and playing. There were several other families there, but none we knew. We were friendly, said "Hi" introduced ourselves to a few, no big conversations, but shared pleasantries. we were there for several hours, when a young woman maybe in her early 30's approached me.

"One of the neighbors said you lost a son recently?" she stated with a questioning tone.
"Yes, I replied" tears welling up instantly with the reminder of my loss. expecting to be met with condolences or perhaps understanding of the pain, I was surprised when she said this.

"Oh, I could never live through that, I think I would just lay down and die, I don't know what I would do, I just couldn't do it, I couldn't go on. Oh how awful, are your other children healthy?"

I wasn't sure how to respond, but I did, as quickly and patiently as I could muster, I mumbled something about having to go on for the others, and quickly dismissed myself.

This is what I heard my neighbor say, although I want to believe it is not what she meant.

I could never live through that(you must not love your children as much as I love mine), I think I would just lay down and die(how can you just come to the pool and laugh and have fun, when one of your children is dead?)I don't know what I would do, I just couldn't do it, I couldn't go on(because you seem to be coping, there must be something wrong with you).

Grieving is a deeply personal thing, and everyone approaches it differently. Each one of my children is coping in their own way. We can help each other out sometimes, but mostly, it is something we must walk through on our own.

Some days, I can barely function under the cloud of pain, and the slightest thing will start the tears rolling.... a tiny sock goes through the laundry, a sound causes me to look to Crockett's chair and it's emptiness is overwhelming, ElizaJane speaking of Heaven (her favorite subject these days, mine too), a picture, a smell, the unopened boxes of Pediasure on the porch, the extra seat in the car, the empty crib in the room at the end of the hall.....lots of precious reminders.

Most days, I hold it together, because life goes on, and the world keeps spinning, and people need to eat and live and laugh and play, because this world is a terrible place full of pain and sorrow and anger and tears.

Yesterday I was driving down a busy road, and from the passenger side I heard my sweet Haven say "life is good". I followed her eyes to a vehicle in the next lane and that was the slogan plastered on the wheel cover attached to the back. We drove silently for a few moments, and then I replied, " I don't think life is good" I said, "I think life is hard.......but God is good" "Yea" she responded "I think so to".

I have been pretending for twelve and a half years that everything is OK, and I have gotten pretty good at it. But the real truth is that when all is said and done, everything really is OK, even though its not fair, or fun, or good or happy. He with the capital H is in control, and if you know Him, it's all going to be OK.

So, to the Lady at the pool, I wish I had told you how I am coping, and why I can play at the pool, and why the death of my child has not defeated me.....maybe I will get another chance.

My Father God ABBA(Daddy) is the only one who truly understands.

He is the one I hold on to,

He is the one I run to,

He is the one I cry out to.

He is my comfort,

and most of all He is my hope!

Haven Dorothy

Happy birthday to my sweet Haven

9 years old today

she loves:

babies(real and pretend)

drawing (anything artsy)

butterflies

cuddling on the sofa

purple

American Girls

swimming

fruit

koala bears

riding her ripstick

scary rides

shoes

cupcakes

the beach

frosted cookies from Walmart

books

all accessories

she has been such a blessing to us all!

We Love you sweet girl!

You can stop growing now.

I recently spied this pillow in the window of a really cute shop in downtown Charleston Christian Michi. Love it!!!! (sang in a really sing songy high voice). This picture doesn't do it justice as I have limited photographic skills, and I was a little self conscious taking a picture of the store window, (why is it that when we are on vacation we don't mind if people think we are tourists, but when we are close to home heaven forbid..), but you can get the general idea. I believe it was hand painted on silk, and it had gorgeous tassel trim around the edge. I'm thinking about trying to copy, I mean emulate it myself, just for kicks, to see if I can outdo, or redo, or come even remotely close to its most likely extremely pricey self. In my spare time I mean, like in between laundry and grading that Biology II test....or after I put off cleaning the fridge for the third week in a row. Does anyone else hate that job?

I'm not usually like that, I mean like, so enamoured with something I see, some inanimate object, some worthless house ware that is purely ornamental, fixated on something beautiful, that I would like to possess...... no wait, yes, I am, I am exactly like that!

strange botanicals

Can anyone identify this strange flower??? We recently spied it growing as a vine on an old gate by one of the historical buildings in Charleston. It was soooooo beautiful I just had to pick one, then the girls each needed for her hair, and I totally was a horrible example as I "stole" the two most unusual blossoms I've ever seen. Don't judge me, you weren't there, you don't know the power it had! ...It was blue, and lime green, very dimensional if you know what I mean. I tried to google it, but came up empty handed. Anyone out there have a clue?

kindred spirits

The sweet little girls were reading together during Ruby's recent visit. Haven loves to read, and is currently reading the Samantha books from the American girls series. She finished her school reading books early, so she started on the Little house book series to read out loud to me. That is our favorite part of school these days.

Recently I read The first of the Anne of green Gables books out loud during our lunch. We all LOVED that, even Kartwright, although he would never admit it.
I finished the book 90 minutes in Heaven by Don Piper last night. It was an easy read, but I'm not sure I buy all that he said. It's not that I don't believe he thinks he went to Heaven, I just don't think he really did. Someone at church thoughtfully brought it, thinking it might encourage me in my thoughts about Crockett. I don't think I could believe more strongly that Heaven really exists, and that Crockett is there, and that we his family will join him someday.

I also recently read Home to Holly Springs by Jan Karon. Loved it, loved the marriage relationship portrayed, loved the vocabulary, and her ability to make the characters into people I felt like i knew personally. I am ready for a new book, something more meaty. Any suggestions? Summer reading, so good!